in march, I really tried to channel my energies towards self improvement and inner peace. the year so far had felt tumultous to me - a seasonal sadness, a result of quitting nicotine and THC, the state of the world, general stagnation and frustration. but outside is greening up, my dopamine receptors are reregulating themselves, and I'm feeling better.I also spent a lot of time away from the internet this month, and I think that kind of helped to rewire me in some ways.
I don't use a lot of social media, and had already cut reddit out of my life entirely serveral months back. but I still felt like too many complaints and opinions from strangers were making their way to my screen and into my psyche. so I stayed away from tumblr (can't believe I've been there 15 years), neocities, bearblog, article aggregate sites - those are pretty much the only places I still scroll from time to time.
after a month away, I can say it's made a pretty big difference for me. I feel less frustrated and distracted. I'm more okay with being bored. it's easier to make myself go for a walk, do a yoga session, work on a difficult drawing without a quick and easy distraction tempting me away. I feel like I'm learning some better coping and self soothing skills (meditation and mindfulness techniques picked up from You Are Here by Thich Nhat Hanh also helped with that). it's nice to not have my background brain noise be focused on arguments or discourse that really have nothing to do with my life. it's quieter. I feel like I have to seek out inspiration more, and more of my fixations and interests come from books and television rather than just naturally appearing on my feed. sometimes there's kind of a melancholic feeling, but I've gained a deeper appreciation for the world around me and I think I notice more sincere joy in my life the last few weeks. of course, it's hard to delve into our own minds and assess these things, and there are still some major kinks I need to work out, but I feel like I'm on a good path right now.
some things that have I've really enjoyed about this month:
going for walks around the yard. early spring is such a great time to explore outside, noting all the transformations. watching things change slowly and all at once. new flowers popping up, little green buds on trees, frogs chirping, old bones stripped clean by weather and insects, green moss covering a dead tree. the world feels like it's alive, and I love being welcomed into it.
recommitting to my meditation practice. it's difficult some days, but it just makes me feel more like myself. sometimes I like to listen to some chanting beforehand. usually I just sit in silence for 15-20 minutes. I like using the Plum Village app for a timer, or for the occasional guided meditation. I picture a river surrounded by golden green leaves that fall and swirl on the water as I watch them flow along, or the sunset lingering as a bright line on the horizon, or myself as a manatee-like creature, sinking into cool, dark water. sometimes I follow my session with some breathwork, following along with the Prana Breath app. it's something I'd really like to keep up.
been reading a lot too. I was frustrated in some ways with Doors of Eden, but it really got me thinking about different epochs and extinct creatures and great dyings, and I really want to find some good books relating to those things. I love looking at art and renders of cambrian seas and carboniforous coal swamps. I reread Wuthering Heights and I love how dramatic and dreadful that book is. i really enjoy the writing style, but damn that little Linton really gets under my skin. I've started invoking his name as a particular insult :p I also read The Passion for the first time, and I'm already looking forward to reading it again. it had such a magical and poetic way of tackling its themes.
Leo and I have been rewatching all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with my mom, who has never seen it. it's probably been a good 10 years since we watched it last. I wasn't initially looking forward to the first couple of seasons, being stuck in highschool, but I've been enjoying it SO MUCH. yeah it's overwrought and obnoxious, but it still has so many elements that make me happy. I love seeing the characters put in so many crazy situations, letting them be different versions of themselves. I love the fashion and the friendship and silly bug monsters and 90s internet research and Bronze performances. it just feels good to watch. I even love Drusilla now?? strange.
okay well I think I've typed long enough! all around are pictures I've taken on my walks. on either side of this text is my favorite place in the whole woods, from two different angles. that's where I go to sit and vibe. my playlist this month isn't really themed or anything, just the new (to me) stuff I've been listening to. check out my sketchbook page for march if you want!
